Fiddlesticks

I know,
I know,
I haven't updated in a while...

Just know this:
I am blessed.

~Boy

Nightly Ninjas

Once upon a time I was doing that whole alphabet blog thing.
Then I stopped.
Now it is time to start again.
I left off on N.
***
Nights in Rexburg usually end in one of two ways...
CRAZINESS
or
Nothing.
It seems I am either sitting around just waiting to go to bed OR I am involved in so much hectic craziness that I can't keep my head on straight.
Let's take last night as an example...
My original plans:
-Have bonfire
-Invite new FHE family
-Rest peacefully
or
-Run
However, I should have known that what I intend to do never happens.
My new plans:
-Friend comes over expecting to watch movie she assumed was on Netflix
-Friend brings OTHER friend who brings pet turtle
-Movie is not on Netflix
-Find other movie on Netflix
-Watch movie
-Friend who is sleeping on couch invites friends over
-SURROUNDEDBYSTRANGERS in my own townhouse
-Strangers(and friends) leave at midnight
-Sleep for small amount of time before early class. :'(

Blargh.
Luckily I was able to get up this morning and enjoy a better breakfast than usual.  AND get to campus on time for my 8AM class...
WHICHWASCANCELLED.  But no one told all of the students in the class...so we sat around for a while before the Psychology Office secretary came in and told us that our teacher wasn't here and we could leave.

Double blargh.

Now I am going to be productive.

So I'm not really good at this whole alphabet thing.
I may just give up on it and go back to my normal nightly rantings and ravings.

Note to self:
Don't get discouraged!

~Boy

Yeah...

So.
The thing about posting something extremely private in an extremely public place is that you tend to regret it afterwards.
But that's ok!
I think it is better that the world see the unadulterated me.

I'm not always like that.
I would say 168/170 days I'm not like that.
But sometimes life just gets ya down and you have to vent.

Brenton and I were talking in the gym today...
We both really only get upset when we know we can do better.
There is no other real good reason to get upset.

Plain and simple.
Simple and clean.
Clean your room(?)

~Boy

99 Problems, And They're All Easy

I get complimented on my church socks a lot when I am feeling lazy and just wear them with shorts after church.  To be fair they usually ARE pretty amazing in their argyle fashion, but who knew that knee-length socks and shorts was in these days?  I sure didn't.
***
This is my 100th post on this little blog of mine.
And I was trying to find something cool to do in celebration.
That's the real reason I haven't posted in almost a week.

I thought about doing a "what has changed in the last 100 posts" post...
I have no idea.
I thought about doing a huge self-analysis post where I analyze everything I do and what makes up who I am...
I might end up hating myself.
I thought about doing a get to know me better post...
Meh.  Those take too long.

And so my blog has sat untouched for many a day.
Unloved.
Unchanged.
Unvisited.

I think I finally came to a conclusion of what to do, though, for my 100th post.

~~HAPPY 100 POSTS!!  ISN'T THIS EXCITING?!~~

Yay
***
There are currently people screaming outside my window.
Good screaming!  Not "oh no those people are dying screaming."
More like "haha, those people are having fun and running around screaming."
It is 11'o'clock at night.
I am lying in bed.
Ready for bed.
Ready for tomorrow.
Because today has been extremely...lackluster.
Some days just get your hopes up.  And it's not the day's fault.  And it's not anyone else's fault, either!  It's just yours for having too darn high of hopes.
But that's not bad.  Having high hopes is how people get to the moon.
I don't even know if having your hopes dashed is a bad thing...
but having your expectations dashed is terrible.
I guess I was expecting more from this day.  If I was simply hoping, I could say "shucks" and move on.
/le sigh
C'est La Vie.
***
I have this problem.
I was talking to my family(I think) just a couple weeks ago when I was back home about this girl I liked.
This was probably the same night we had a lengthy conversation about why I wasn't married yet...
I said I needed to start coming up with some more creative and fun dates for me and this girl to go on, because you can only do the same thing so many times.
They said I shouldn't need to, because if she likes me back then anything that we do would be fine.
...
And this is why my relationships go nowhere.

I like talking to my dad.
Especially about relationships.
He doesn't blame me for not being married yet.  He completely understands.
I was talking to him about this same topic not too long ago(All I ever talk about with anyone is apparently marriage.  No wonder I'm not married...)and he summed it up nicely...
"Well no wonder you're not married!  I don't blame you.  Look at the role models you have!" (My father is divorced twice and my older brother is also divorced)
The only marriage(temple or otherwise) I've seen work in my family is my sister's.  And good for her!

So I dunno about this whole dating thing.
I like girls.
I dare say that I love them.
but it's just not working out right now.
In making a conscious decision not to date I wouldn't really be changing anything besides the fact that I would be telling myself I'm not on a date because I want to be, not because I'm too big of a chicken to ask anyone.
Either way I'm not really dating a ton.
And this is a problem.

I have always gotten stuck on people.
I get an idea in my head.
A fantasy, I guess you could call it.
And I hope and pray for that ideal so long and hard...
that I close myself off to the other opportunities around me...
unfortunately these fantasies haven't worked out in the past.
***
I really wanted to stop talking about dating and/or marriage right now, but then I remembered that this is my blog and I write it for me.  And today I guess I just need a little mental relaxation, and this is it.
I have to make a mental note to not talk about it so much in ACTUAL conversations and life, but I can talk about whatever I want here.
Like poop.
Also not something to talk about in everyday, polite conversation...but if I feel like talking about it here, gosh darn it I will.
***
I don't like to think that other people's actions have had an effect on me to shape me into who I am.  That I am truly the master of my own destiny, and that I haven't been affected by anyone else.
Because that feels like I have been robbed of something.
Robbed of an opportunity to be someone else other than who I currently am.
Like my agency, my say in the matter, was taken from me.
And I don't like that thought.

This leads me to take the full force of the blame for my current state in life on myself.  I accept responsibility for who I am.
I'm not me because of something that happened a long time ago.
I was not that fragile and moldable.
I have always been strong.

But the older I get and the more I think about my life...
the more I realize I'm lying to myself.

Others have DEFINITELY had an effect on my life.
I am a product of not only my own choices, but the also the consequences of other's actions as well.

If it was up to me, I would have married my high school sweetheart, like I had dreamed of, after returning from my mission.
My life would be drastically different.
I wouldn't be posting on a blog at the age of 25 saying "wo is me" when there are clearly others out there in the world that need pity and help more than I do.
Instead, due to some strange concoction of events and circumstances I have lost that person I once was, and instead am left with insecurity after insecurity.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not talented enough.
I'm not good-looking enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not social enough.
I can't jump that high.
I can't lift that much.
I can't help other's as well as someone else can.
I don't dress well enough.
I don't smile enough.
I smile too much.
I have a weird laugh.
I am over my desired weight.
It sucks.
And I tell myself everyone else is insecure, too, and that I can lead them.
I can be the change I want to see.
But something inside, that little bit of lie that satan has convinced me of, holds me back.
Keeps me from being who I am supposed to be.
Who He knows I can be, and has told me explicitly I can be.
Instead I let fear, doubt, and insecurity run my everyday decisions.
What should I wear?
How should I do my hair?
Should I go to the gym?
Should I play video games?
Should I ask her out?
Should I ask her out, again?
Should I talk to her?
Should I ask that question?
What question should I ask?
What should I say?

All of those statements have should in them.
The truth of it all is that there isn't one thing I SHOULD do.
One thing I SHOULD say.
One way I SHOULD live.
Besides His way.
His words.
His example.

I want to be liked so bad that it cripples me from even talking to those I want to like me.
I'm a basket case.
***
I apologize if you have read through all of this.
It's just been one of those days where your expectations are dashed.  Dashed in such a way that you don't even recognize all of the good that is happening around you.
I have so much to be thankful for but all I can focus on currently is how bad it hurts right now.
That is weakness.
This is strength.

~Boy

Special Reasoning

So I know it's unusual for me to post twice in one day, but this is for a special occasion!
But first...you have to know something about me.

I get deeply attached to very strange things...
and for very strange reasons.

Tonight I found out that my alarm clock is dead.
I got that alarm clock when I went on my mission.
It was the alarm clock that woke me up for two years.
AND THEN proceded to wake me up for work, church, etc. every day after that for another four years.
I cannot explain how sad I am right now...or why I would be.
But this has indeed hurt my feel-goods.

~Boy

It's Official!

I, and my band of merry men, have made it back to our home away from home, Rexburg.
My first opinions of this place, when I arrived a year and a half ago was that I would hate it.  It's a small, mostly Mormon-populated town in the middle of seemingly nowhere, and I could see nothing to do here.
I wanted to get in, get graduated, and get out.
Now, as the date of my graduation gets closer and closer I find myself not wanting to leave.  Because I love it so stinkin' much here.
So traveling here is always sort of strange, because I am going from one place I love (Minnesota) to the other place I love.  But I love them for entirely different reasons.
Minnesota is beautiful.  It is green.  It is wet.  It is populated.  It is home.  It has family.
Rexburg is nonstop fun.  If you are bored here it's because you choose to be.  There is always something to do.  It is clean.  It is chaste.  It is benevolent.
Wait...that sounds like I'm describing something else.
Either way, it's a load of fun, and of course it is overflowing with young, beautiful, polite women.
That certainly doesn't hurt.

This trip didn't come easily.  There were many a hardship to face.
For instance...
-two drivers with four passengers for two vehicles for 17 hours with no sleep.
(Which is, by the way, the fastest we have ever made the trip.  Usually it is upwards of 19 hours)
-Crazy trucks pulling out in front of us near Island Park, flipping us off when we try to pass them, then waiting for us at their turn just to give us one last middle finger before driving off into their merry, little sunset
-Strange gas station owners who stare out the window with binoculars as you drive away
(North Dakota.  Weirder every year)

OK...so this trip still looks like cake compared to trekking across the plains with a handcart, but it was hard for us, ok?  Don't judge.
***
My official review of Crest Whitening Strips (2 hour)...
The most inwardly awkward 2 hours of my life.
You put the things on, and immediately your mouth starts salivating all over and there's not really detailed instructions for do's and don'ts with these things.  They don't tell you if you can bite down, or if you can touch them with your tongue, or if you swallow your own saliva that is being created due to these abominations of nature all upon your grill.
So I sat, packing all of my belongings for the trip back to Idaho, with these things in my mouth for two hours constantly pondering and questioning what I was allowed to do with them.
It was terrible.
And then when I took them off I felt like they didn't even really work that well!  Did I do something wrong?  Maybe I shouldn't have bitten down.  Maybe I shouldn't have licked them.
It was all so hopeless.
Until I arrived in Rexburg and one of my friends who first sees me asks if I have been whitening my teeth because they looked great.
SO...If you really would like whiter teeth, and don't mind internal struggle, these are for you.
That is all.
***
My allergies have carried over from Minnesota to Rexburg.  I thought for sure they would be gone, but they have persisted.
Which makes me wonder if they were ever really allergies in the first place.
Maybe I actually have some strange, life-threatening disease in which all of the moisture in your body slowly seeps out your nose.
Boy would that stink.
***
I am clean-shaven now.
Which I must admit feels kind of nice, but at the same time feels unfamiliar, despite the fact that I have had no facial hair for far more of my life than I have had facial hair.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't like tons of facial hair as much anymore.
I DO like some scruff, though, because it makes you look older and more handsome in 9 out of 10 situations.
But I also don't mind being clean.  It DEFINITELY makes me look younger.  Especially with my luscious, full head of hair.
I just wish I didn't have to shave everyday.
#firstworldproblems
I know.  I know.

~Boy

Tie'd Up

So.  It's official.

I'm a model.

So are my friends Brenton, Brian, Eric, and Mike.

My friend Brian started a tie company called Tie'd Up, which specializes in skinny ties, bow ties, and specialty boxes which include matching tie, cuff links, and pocket square.  His ideal market is couples getting married who need multiples of matching ties/accessories for groomsmen, family, etc.

HOWEVER, if you are just a tie enthusiast you can also use his services to get some sweet ties.

ANYWAY, we got to be models to be used on his website and Facebook page.

It was a really enjoyable day!

I would have no problem being a model for a living.

At least from my point of view.  Whether or not anyone would use me is a different conversation.

The photographer, Camille, who is Brian's sister, is a professional photographer.  She does good work.  She enjoyed my smile most.  It was great.

Talk about ego boost day!!

***

H'm...what else happened this weekend.

Church was good.  My momma came to the Singles Ward because she is the Stake Relief Society President.  She sat by me the whole time.

I'm pretty sure everyone think I have a mental problem.

Luckily that was my last week there, so I don't really care.

***

I got my first assignment of the school year.  And the school year hasn't even started!

It's to read a book by the first day of class.

The book is entitled Leadership and Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box.

It is fantastic.

It is just over 170 pages and I'm about 2/3 done with it.  Probably finish it tomorrow, or possible Saturday or Sunday after I am already back in Rexburg.

Either way, I'll finish it before school starts.

I didn't think I would read much today because I was pretty tired when I started and wanted a nap.

Over 60 pages later I was thinking perhaps I would stop.

Ya.  It's THAT kind of book.  I just couldn't stop reading.

I suggest it to JUST ABOUT EVERYONE EVER.

It makes you think about your life and what you're doing and how you treat people.

Seriously.  Pick it up.  Or I'll lend you my copy...which is actually my mom's copy, but we'll fudge that detail.

***

Tonight at a big family dinner at a fancy restaurant we had a nice 1/2 hour conversation about why I'm not married yet.

Talk about fun.

And by fun...I mean mildly humiliating.

It was classic Davidson dinner-

Three couples:
Mom and Stepdad

Sister and husband

Brother and long-time girlfriend

Me

Get the picture, yet?

***

STORY TIME

We went out on Friday night to hang out with Brenton and Eric's friend, who just happened to be at a bar.

So we went to a bar.

This bar had karaoke.  As all good bars do.

So I sang my classic I Believe In A Thing Called Love.  Everyone loved it, cheered, and in the case of a few choice, middle-aged women decided it was a good idea to feel my body while doing so.

I thought that I was the homerun.  That I had hit it out the park and it was all down hill from there.  There was no reason to even follow that up.  They could just close the bar down after that.

I was wrong.

Eric and Brenton got up directly after me and blew ME out of the water.

They sang Still Fly by The Big Tymers.

The bar went nuts!

They were immediately karaoke gods who could do no wrong.

Afterwards a lovely young lady name Lisa began an arousing conversation with us, and we invited her to join us when we left to go to our favorite German-themed dance club, Ghustav's.  The conversation trailed off and we ended up leaving without our new friend.

We spent a good amount of time at our club where we again were rocking it so hard that people couldn't HELP but notice how awesome we are.

After a good amount of time there our friend Lisa showed up!

She danced the night away with us and even ended up exchanging digits with the better-looking member of our company.

IN CLOSING

We even saw her the next night BACK at Ghustav's.

T'was a good time.

***

The good news for YOU my normal, well-adjusted reader who isn't interested in quasi-models with nasty beards is that I shaved.

Happy day for you.

And America.

~Boy

Some Nights

Tonight was the bomb.
Period.
There is only two things that could have made it better...
Bacon.

Other than that, it was perfect in every way.
Had people chanting our names.
Had old ladies dancing with us.
Became the LITERAL life of more than one party.
Made new, young, fun, conservative, attractive friends.
DIDN'T start a fight or get involved in one in any way.

~Boy

P.S. Notice anything...out of place?