I Have Betrayed Thee, Sir Blogginton.

I love my blog.

I love blogging.

...

Maybe love is too strong a word.  Need is probably better.

Without somewhere to mentally vent to, I find myself slowly circling the drainpipe of sanity.

***
It's not that I don't trust those around me to carefully tend to the mental anguish that I would surely dump upon them, it's just that I don't want to burden them with that.

It takes a special/strange kind of person to genuinely WANT to listen to others' problems and simultaneously help them with them.  I just don't think I know any of those people.

Because I am one of those people, and I certainly don't know another me.

And so I return to thee, my little blog.  A place where I can vent to myself, really, and then help myself...somewhat.

You see, often the best medicine for me is to just talk it out.  Or I guess in this case to type it out.

Anyway, let my delve in to the heart of the matter, ya?
***

After a long hiatus I again find myself needing to talk with someone.

You.

The reader.
Me.

The internet.

A couple matters have been gnawing at my mind for a while and I try to stay away from mentioning anything that others would find offensive on Facebook because that's not how I like others to perceive me.  I know when I see others posting heavily slanted things there I am overcome by a strong desire to de-friend them or avoid them or I don't even know what.  Just leave them alone.  I don't know.

What lies at the forefront of my mind is the desire to be perceived in a certain light.  This is something I think about regularly and others do, too.

Even if you are one of the strong, independent, take-nothing, give-less people out there who believes every man is an island and cares not for how others perceive them, you DO care that people know you don't care.  Otherwise you wouldn't make such a big deal about it.  The only true people who don't care what people think of them are those who have absolutely no connection to any other humans.  The instant you meet another human being it becomes your role to establish who you are.  Even if that is establishing that you don't care whether they believe you are establishing yourself.

I feel I have found myself in a position that I never intended to put myself in, but after searching my actions twice and thrice over, however, I can see that where I am, I put myself.

Others believe that I am above it all.  I've been told this by a small number of individuals who I've come to know enough to trust me with their opinions of me.

I seem to put off an air of being better than others.  Snooty.  Uncaring.  Unflinching.

In the battlegrounds of social interaction I seem to stand in the middle of it all watching arrows and flames whiz past and deflect off of armor that I have.

While this would initially sound like a wonderful trait to have (that of impenetrability) ESPECIALLY in the realm of social actions where men and women are cut down every day due to no weakness of their own but only the malice of others.

***

Side note: I really want to play Kingdom Hearts right now.  There is nothing I want more.
***

However, this same gift can be a curse.  What cannot be penetrated by the sword can also not be penetrated by the heart when dealing in metaphors.

Certainly on a real battlefield things are different.

I do not want to give off this impression!  I want others to know they can feel comfortable around me.  I want others to know that I am not off in some castle in my mind, without feeling for their words, struggles and passions.  I care about others and wish to be cared about in return.

I often find myself feeling as my friend Cobian sometimes expressed in High School that ALL are deserving of my love, and so how could I ever love one more than another?  How could I single out an individual to be especially close to when I feel such a strong desire to be close to all?  I have certainly found those in my life that I would care to be close to, perhaps even romantically, but it is this cursed armor that I have supposedly erected that doesn't allow me to embrace them fully as I would wish to.

And so I ask you, what is one to do?  How does one change them self?  I know I have often heard others say and even heard myself council to others that every day is a new day and you can be whoever you want to be.  The past is dead and the future has not yet happened.  Do not worry about them.  Only think of now and of who you want to be and then act as is appropriate!

But words are cheap.

It is certainly easier to say that I will change and be exactly who I want to be today rather than the slightly different me that I was yesterday than it is to actually do so.

Even if I WERE to change and be exactly who I wanted to be, would that be best?  What I want and what is best are not always in line with one another.

That I can recognize.

So, I guess in the end, the main struggle that I have is whether my true lot is to be who I want to be, or whether I am intended to always be different from that man I so idolize simply because it is better for the whole if I do NOT become him and instead become comfortable with the man I am and perfect this role before trying to switch to another.

You see, if life was a play, I would be trying to play the lead role as well as multiple supporting roles.  And you cannot very well perform a play with all the complexities of a life with only a handful of actors, or even just one.

I have expressed before the concern that I am not the lead actor in my own performance of life.  That I am somehow letting others upstage me, despite the fact that we are all meant to be the lead role in our own play.

***

I know that I'm just not asking the right questions.  My mother can usually help me sort out things the best.

She is like me.

Polar opposite from me.

But, still, very much like me.

She always asks brilliant questions that lead me to find the solution to my problems, as if she had already arrived there days before and was simply pointing out the bread crumbs on the trail that I am supposed to follow.

I aspire to lead in this same way.  Not by iron fist, but by bread crumbs of knowledge and light.

I know I am supposed to lead.  It's a daunting task, and I interpreted it differently at first, but I know what I am supposed to do.  I still do not fully understand HOW or WHERE, but I have at least come to terms that I must.

It's a strange feeling.  Of that you can be sure.

***

And so I return to my first point:
We are treated how we act.

Others perceive us how we act.  We act how we want to be perceived.  Others again, act on their perceptions.  It couldn't be any more simple of a design.  But it has far too many far-reaching implications to be taken lightly.

Leaving me with three golden questions:
1.) How do I want to be perceived?
2.) Is that best for others, for myself, for both, or for none?
3.)Am I approaching this all wrong?

I am prone to answer yes to the last question, but then again I am one who thinks very low of himself when it comes to perceptions, but that's only because I know all of my faults much better than I know my strengths.

~Boy

Huzzah!...?

Since my roommates and I have started a cooperative blog, and SINCE I am now a follower of said blog, I felt it appropriate to update here every once in a while.

AND, it is also appropriate to post here saying "hello!" in case you have stumbled here from that source or any other source really.

This blog, in general, isn't as funny as the other blog, so you may not find it interesting if that's the kind of thing you're looking for.  HOWEVER, if you are here because you have become intrigued by the postings of Speasy, Spizzler, Spease-Meister or whatever other names I have, and would to travel further down the rabbit hole that is my brain, then this may or may not be the place to do that.

or a simple face-to-face conversation would accomplish that task as well.  So, maybe you should be more social and just talk to my face.

~Boy

Twizzle Berries and Little Green Fairies!

This one goes out to my dead homies, aka Megan.
It has been forever since I posted* and I won't lie.  It makes me feel guilty.
*NOTE: See forever = 2 months


Back when I was living in Minnesota I had a funny idea for the start of September, that for a whole month/year/whatever I was going to take a picture of myself first thing in the morning and post that on here, and I would change this into a blog almost entirely focused on my bed head.  For at least that period of time.  Then I'd change it later when I felt inspired.
***
School is going great!
Oh wait, you didn't know I was at school now?  OK, fine, I'll rewind...


First I was at home for the seven week break which was quite fantastic!  I got to hang out with lots of old, good friends, see some friends but NOT hang out with them, and even go on a fantastic date or two.


Now I'm out at school! (Refer to line #8)
***
I have come to deal with the fact that when it comes to relationships I am probably the equivalent of a high school female...
I see something I like, I go for it, and I get stuck on it, no matter the outcome.


FOR INSTANCE!


I have liked quite a few girls over the last couple years, but I have really liked one most of all, and I am rather stuck on her and anyone else just kinda seems sub-par.  I know it's a bad thing to do, but I do it anyway.  I can't help it.  Shut up.
***
I felt genuine school-related stress for the first time the other day...
After a day of classes and seeing syllabusi (plural syllabus) I thought to myself, "Self, how are you going to do this?!  You need to get a job, do well in school, AND get married?  What were you thinking?"  And then I went to sleep and woke up feeling great.
When I sleep lately I dream of the girl previously mentioned who I am stuck on, so I am able to feel refreshed and happy whenever I wake up.  Even if to nasty alarms and such...
ANYWHO...
Ya, so life is good.
The only thing I can really be unhappy about right now (that's out of my control) is my calling as FHE Dad again...I dislike this calling, and yet I am once again placed in it.  Apparently there is still a lesson for me to learn.  HARUMPH.


I need to go on more dates.  That's something I can control and would make me happier possibly.
***
I am mucho sleepy...passing out now.


~Boy

Lost In Translation or Trans-Fats. You Decide.

Throughout the day, and especially at night time, I get little jolts of inspiration.  I think of things I should write about, journal about, blog about, ANYTHING about.  But by the time it comes to sit down at my computer I lose all motivation to simply click the tab that says "Blogger" and actually do something about it.  So instead I have thousands of ideas, memories and whatnot that are lost forever.
Today is a prime example.

HECK!  I barely wanted to write a post about how I forget to write posts.
How awesome am I?

You know you like it.

~Boy

Sidetracked

Oh hey there Blog.
It sure has been a while.
You look like you're doing well.  Thank you.
***
While in the bathroom earlier this evening/morning I was contemplating evolution.  More specifically, complicated evolution.  Not monkeys into humans and that sort of whatnot, but individualized evolution.  The type that we do from the very start of our life cycle until the end.
It inspired me.  I was going to post about it here...


But instead I got sidetracked by trying to figure out some schooling details for the fall.  In which I shot myself in the foot not once, but twice.  Just minor grazings of my foot.  No arteries or anything. so it will be easy enough to recover, but it certainly stinks that things can't just always work out perfectly.


So now I'm too tired to talk about evolution, and I still need to read my scriptures before sleeping.
And since I think that is more important, I will do that instead.
***
ALSO, the following is everything I know about the Sun:
-If I stay in it too long I get burned.
-If I don't stay in it enough, people call me pasty and don't like me.
That is all.

~Boy

This One's For All My Dead Homies...

When I started working at American Eagle I didn't think anything of it.  Up to that point in time I had held 2 jobs.  McDonald's when I was 15ish, and Noodles'N'Company for the duration of the summer before my mission.  I quit McD's after only a month, and I was only at Noodles for 8-9 months.  I didn't quite know if all jobs were like that, but some people seemed to have been at these "job" things for quite a while!  Years even.  Decades if they were really dedicated/confused/stuck/etc.

It is coming closer and closer to my time to leave AE, after having worked there for 2 1/2 years, and I never EVER suspected I would get emotional about it.

Tonight was my last floorset at store 2062, and there was absolutely nothing special about it, which is ok, because floorsets are kinda crap to start with.  I also found out that my head Manager, Justin, turned in his two week notice today.  This is a man that has been with the company for somewhere around 10 years.  I never thought I'd see the day when he was no longer there.  He had always been there, and I figured he would continue to always be there.  All night, while building walls I couldn't wrap my head around this idea that he would someday be gone...

THIS IS CRAZY

I have dealt with death, loss, sadness, pain, grief, depression, but never have I felt this way.

One of my other managers, Roz, quit just a matter of weeks ago.  It was rather unexpected, but I hardly felt a thing.  I was a little sad that her quirky personality wouldn't be around anymore, but it was nothing emotional.  Just completely habitual I would say.

And now Justin is leaving and it feels like my whole world is turned upside down!  What will become of the store?  Who will the new Store Manager be?  What will happen to the happy, laughing atmosphere that is found at only our AE?  How long before Adam leaves, too?  What will the other employees think?  How long will they stick around?

I won't be around to find out the answer to any of these questions...and I'm glad for that.  I can't imagine an AE without my favorite people around.

And the strange thing is...it seems like everyone else is leaving about this time, too!

Our store is strange because we have little turn-over.  In an industry that is full of little teenagers that need a job just for nights after school for a couple years, or college kids that just need to work while home for the holidays, our store has been the exact opposite.  We have had a constant, unchanging workforce for almost the entirety of the 2+ years I've been here.  Now, we're all moving on...

It's like we are all getting a divorce or something!

This has all just become very real.  I guess before, I knew that I would someday leave, but I never imagined what the day would be like when it actually happened.  It's still quite...surreal.

But this is a retail job!  What is there to be emotional about?! 

Life is sure gonna be different in a month...

***

Life is amazing now.

~Boy

Dupe

That's pronounced Doo-peh, not doop.
***
Today was a fantastic day to be alive and a member of the Lord's church if you live in the Midwestern area of the United States.
-Stake conference broadcast with Elder Cook, Bishop Burton, and President Eyring.
-CES Fireside with Elder Perry.
Pretty good stuff.

So, on this topic, I had a couple pretty awesome revelations today, and a couple moments of increased determination:
-satan quivers when he see's faithful Saints on their knees.
The last week I have been doing fantastic with a little one of my persistent sins.  BUT, I have been doing terrible with my scripture reading and daily prayers.  So last night I picked back up my New Testament scripture reading and immediately today I am ambushed by all these temptations over again.  He wants so bad for us to just give up the simple, little, everyday things, because it is those things that keep us on the path of righteousness.  I gave the exact same talk at least twice on my mission of the everyday battles, and how they are more important in the long run than a single, glorious day.

(These could/should probably be added to the goal list I made earlier this year)
-I will only watch three television shows from here on out, Biggest Loser, The Office, and Community.  All other shows were funny, but they were ultimately an even bigger waste of time than absolutely anything else I could have been doing.
-For every hour of TV that I watch, pointless internet that I surf or video games that I play, I will spend the same amount of time during the week doing something productive...such as practicing guitar or piano, studying the scriptures or other church-related materials, or simply educational reading or music categorization.
-Daily workout is a must.  No exceptions.  Except the Sabbath, on which day I will abstain.  Just something, ANYTHING to get active again.  Winter has destroyed my physically fit drive, and that is terrible.
-Brush my teeth twice a day EVERY day, and always wash my face before bed.  I have gotten really lazy with this as well when going to bed so late at night.  If I can make time for other pointless activities in my life, I can certainly make time for a basic 5-minute routine of brushing and washing before bed.
***
Now I have to go to bed so I can get a jumpstart on some of these goals.
Ciao.

~Boy