I get complimented on my church socks a lot when I am feeling lazy and just wear them with shorts after church. To be fair they usually ARE pretty amazing in their argyle fashion, but who knew that knee-length socks and shorts was in these days? I sure didn't.
***
This is my 100th post on this little blog of mine.
And I was trying to find something cool to do in celebration.
That's the real reason I haven't posted in almost a week.
I thought about doing a "what has changed in the last 100 posts" post...
I have no idea.
I thought about doing a huge self-analysis post where I analyze everything I do and what makes up who I am...
I might end up hating myself.
I thought about doing a get to know me better post...
Meh. Those take too long.
And so my blog has sat untouched for many a day.
Unloved.
Unchanged.
Unvisited.
I think I finally came to a conclusion of what to do, though, for my 100th post.
~~HAPPY 100 POSTS!! ISN'T THIS EXCITING?!~~
Yay
***
There are currently people screaming outside my window.
Good screaming! Not "oh no those people are dying screaming."
More like "haha, those people are having fun and running around screaming."
It is 11'o'clock at night.
I am lying in bed.
Ready for bed.
Ready for tomorrow.
Because today has been extremely...lackluster.
Some days just get your hopes up. And it's not the day's fault. And it's not anyone else's fault, either! It's just yours for having too darn high of hopes.
But that's not bad. Having high hopes is how people get to the moon.
I don't even know if having your hopes dashed is a bad thing...
but having your expectations dashed is terrible.
I guess I was expecting more from this day. If I was simply hoping, I could say "shucks" and move on.
/le sigh
C'est La Vie.
***
I have this problem.
I was talking to my family(I think) just a couple weeks ago when I was back home about this girl I liked.
This was probably the same night we had a lengthy conversation about why I wasn't married yet...
I said I needed to start coming up with some more creative and fun dates for me and this girl to go on, because you can only do the same thing so many times.
They said I shouldn't need to, because if she likes me back then anything that we do would be fine.
...
And this is why my relationships go nowhere.
I like talking to my dad.
Especially about relationships.
He doesn't blame me for not being married yet. He completely understands.
I was talking to him about this same topic not too long ago(All I ever talk about with anyone is apparently marriage. No wonder I'm not married...)and he summed it up nicely...
"Well no wonder you're not married! I don't blame you. Look at the role models you have!" (My father is divorced twice and my older brother is also divorced)
The only marriage(temple or otherwise) I've seen work in my family is my sister's. And good for her!
So I dunno about this whole dating thing.
I like girls.
I dare say that I love them.
but it's just not working out right now.
In making a conscious decision not to date I wouldn't really be changing anything besides the fact that I would be telling myself I'm not on a date because I want to be, not because I'm too big of a chicken to ask anyone.
Either way I'm not really dating a ton.
And this is a problem.
I have always gotten stuck on people.
I get an idea in my head.
A fantasy, I guess you could call it.
And I hope and pray for that ideal so long and hard...
that I close myself off to the other opportunities around me...
unfortunately these fantasies haven't worked out in the past.
***
I really wanted to stop talking about dating and/or marriage right now, but then I remembered that this is my blog and I write it for me. And today I guess I just need a little mental relaxation, and this is it.
I have to make a mental note to not talk about it so much in ACTUAL conversations and life, but I can talk about whatever I want here.
Like poop.
Also not something to talk about in everyday, polite conversation...but if I feel like talking about it here, gosh darn it I will.
***
I don't like to think that other people's actions have had an effect on me to shape me into who I am. That I am truly the master of my own destiny, and that I haven't been affected by anyone else.
Because that feels like I have been robbed of something.
Robbed of an opportunity to be someone else other than who I currently am.
Like my agency, my say in the matter, was taken from me.
And I don't like that thought.
This leads me to take the full force of the blame for my current state in life on myself. I accept responsibility for who I am.
I'm not me because of something that happened a long time ago.
I was not that fragile and moldable.
I have always been strong.
But the older I get and the more I think about my life...
the more I realize I'm lying to myself.
Others have DEFINITELY had an effect on my life.
I am a product of not only my own choices, but the also the consequences of other's actions as well.
If it was up to me, I would have married my high school sweetheart, like I had dreamed of, after returning from my mission.
My life would be drastically different.
I wouldn't be posting on a blog at the age of 25 saying "wo is me" when there are clearly others out there in the world that need pity and help more than I do.
Instead, due to some strange concoction of events and circumstances I have lost that person I once was, and instead am left with insecurity after insecurity.
I'm not good enough.
I'm not talented enough.
I'm not good-looking enough.
I'm not smart enough.
I'm not social enough.
I can't jump that high.
I can't lift that much.
I can't help other's as well as someone else can.
I don't dress well enough.
I don't smile enough.
I smile too much.
I have a weird laugh.
I am over my desired weight.
It sucks.
And I tell myself everyone else is insecure, too, and that I can lead them.
I can be the change I want to see.
But something inside, that little bit of lie that satan has convinced me of, holds me back.
Keeps me from being who I am supposed to be.
Who He knows I can be, and has told me explicitly I can be.
Instead I let fear, doubt, and insecurity run my everyday decisions.
What should I wear?
How should I do my hair?
Should I go to the gym?
Should I play video games?
Should I ask her out?
Should I ask her out, again?
Should I talk to her?
Should I ask that question?
What question should I ask?
What should I say?
All of those statements have should in them.
The truth of it all is that there isn't one thing I SHOULD do.
One thing I SHOULD say.
One way I SHOULD live.
Besides His way.
His words.
His example.
I want to be liked so bad that it cripples me from even talking to those I want to like me.
I'm a basket case.
***
I apologize if you have read through all of this.
It's just been one of those days where your expectations are dashed. Dashed in such a way that you don't even recognize all of the good that is happening around you.
I have so much to be thankful for but all I can focus on currently is how bad it hurts right now.
That is weakness.
This is strength.
~Boy
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