Lost In The Tide

Once you see the grand design behind a certain event, or a principle that you are supposed to live, it becomes all too easy to give up your own desires and follow what you SHOULD be doing, instead of what you WANT to do.
This week has sucked as far as vacation time goes.  Parents are away, so naturally children should play, right?  Usually, yes.  This time, no.  I've been sick all week.  And it has sucked a ton.  I've even complained a little bit about it on here, ya.  BUT, today I finally saw why I needed to be sick this week.
So, my life has been what some might call pampered...
I have parents that love me.
Friends that trust me.
I like my jobs.
All is well in my life, basically.
The longest time I've spent outside of my parent's house, however, was the two years I was in the service and protection of the Lord, which you could hardly call being away from home at all!
And so I don't quite know how to take care of myself.  This week has been a crash course in life.  Suddenly, there was no mommy to take care of me when I get sick.  There was no one to take me to the Urgent Care this afternoon.  There was no one to buy me orange juice.  This was all me time, and it was a good time to be had.
I think I'm a lot more prepared for heading off to college now than I was at the start of this week.
CRAP JUST GOT REAL
If only there was someone to hold your hand the entire way through your life and make sure you never get sick or bumps or bruises...life would suck.  It's the ups that make the downs, and vice versa.
When out in the real world, there isn't a whole lot of time to just sit on your butt and play video games.  Well, not if you ever want to move out of your parent's basement at least.  You have to get out and DO THINGS.
It's been somewhat eye-opening for me.
***
Why do doctors treat symptoms and not diseases?  I have no idea what is wrong with me this week.  I don't know what disease I had that caused me to be sick.  All I know is that I had a fever, runny nose, cough, headache, and those are now taken care of.  C'est La Vie.
***
I had something else earlier today that I wanted to post about...but I forgot it.
Drat.

~Boy

BlahBlahBlah

Sometimes, life is just boring.
It's unfortunate that that time just happens to fall during the days when I am sick and have absolutely nothing to do.
***
Today was nice.  Woke, up.  My home teachers ACTUALLY visited my home and taught me here instead of at the institute like usual.
It's always nice when others get to see how far away I really live, so that they can feel some form of sympathy.
Then I caught up on my favorite tv shows, being The Office and Community.  I also am trying to like another new show called Perfect Couples.  It's just not doing it for me, though.  Then I took a nap.
I woke up, again, and headed to the Fun-Filled Friday activity at the Institute of Religion where we watched my copy of How To Train Your Dragon, that my home teacher Chris had borrow earlier that day for that specific purpose.  It was an ok evening.  The best part was all the hot chocolate I got to drink.  And there was some donuts there, too.  Which were nothing special.  Except for that last apple fritter.  I love apple fritters.  Mm mm, apple fritters.*
***
I took a Nyquil about an hour and a half ago, and so I am getting quite woozy.  I think it's time to read from the New Testament and go to sleep, now.  Romans is so interesting!!  I can see why many born-agains would get their facts terribly screwed up due to it, but I can also see how easy it would be to overcome any skepticism they might have.  Oh, if I only had the knowledge and gusto that I do now, back when I was a missionary.  Hindsight stinks.
*See, Inside Joke.

~Boy

P.S. I also played guitar for a bit somewhere in there.  I don't quite remember when, so if you're looking for a minute-by-minute breakdown of my life, I apologize.

Except Me

Boy, the times they are a-changin' indeed!
Less than 3 months ago, I knew less than 3 people who were engaged.  Now, I can think of...at least 6.  NONE OF WHICH ARE THE ORIGINAL 3!!
Moral of the story:  Everyone is getting married.
Ivan and I have talked about this a couple times*  The crazy fact that seemingly everyone we know is getting married!  Or has plans to get married sometime soon.  Now, of course there are a couple factors working against us.  Most notably that we are at a marrying age.  People in there early-to-mid twenties get married.(At least in Mormon culture)  Even people OUTSIDE of our religious mindset get married sometime in their 20's, usually.  And so I am left to wonder what is so very wrong with myself that I am not part of this mass that seem to all be jumping aboard the same train to Marriagetown.  Some would argue that perhaps it is not something wrong with you so much as it is something wrong with the world.
I have no problem telling these people they are wrong and there is definitely something wrong with me.
OK, well, maybe not "wrong" with me, but it is definitely out of my choosing.  I have a few major issues with where I can currently fall economically, educationally, socially, etc. that make me feel uncomfortable with being married at this exact point in time.
Don't get me wrong.  I love the thought of marriage.  I want to be married.  Very.  Very badly.  BuuuuUUuUUuUuuuuUuuut, I just don't see myself being able or willing to go on sincere dates or hold really meaningful relationships when I am living in my parents basement, working in a sub-par retail position, with little-to-no education in my intended field.  (or it's really just a downstairs, seeing as how the door to the ACTUAL basement is directly next to the entrance to my room)
But alas, soon I shall move on to Idaho, to the land where young, single LDS women flow like honey.
*See 'every day.'

Now, I know of the danger in believing that the grass is always greener on the other side.  Trust me.  I know too well the dangers of thinking of tomorrow being better than today.  The truth is that tomorrow is just another day. Like today.  And yesterday.  And every day before that, or any day AFTER that.  Days are days are days.
They are what we make of them.
If I wake up in the morning and believe that I'm going to have a great day, I WILL have a great day because I will be looking for the great things in it.  If I wake up thinking today is going to suck, it WILL suck because I will be looking for the bad things all day long so that I can keep myself down in the rut that I chose to dig.
It's a principle called self-fulfilling prophesy.  Read about it.  It's true.
People for the last couple years have wondered how I can stay so positive, even during times that SHOULD be hard for the average person.  I have two answers:
1.)I want to be happy, so I am happy.
2.)OBVIOUSLY the Gospel.  What did you think I was going to say, adventure?  Drugs?  Money?  Silly Goose, Trix are for kids with dulled taste buds.
THAT BEING SAID...
-I know that Idaho isn't inherently going to be better than the situation that I am in now.
-I know that the reason I'm not married is because I haven't been making myself available for marriage.
-I know that life is what I make of it.
I'm going to make it happy.

I have a couple hurdles to go through(or over, I guess would be the more correct terminology) and then I will be ready.  And when that day comes.  Look out world.
***
Alka Seltzer Plus Night Time tastes horrible(even if the package says Lemon, I know that it really means baby giraffe urine.) but BOY does it make you sleepy.  I am going to go pass out now.

~Boy

P.S. I love hacky sack.  So very, very much.
P.P.S. I have been blessed far more than I deserve.

Boyhood

I've been sick for the last 3 days...It started on Sunday night, and I continued to do things for who KNOWS what reason.  I went out to FHE on Monday.  Went to Institute on Tuesday.  Now, I've spent all day today (Wednesday) inside, doing nothing but sluffing around the house.  I've decided that Wednesday is the worst day to be sick, because there is no good TV.  So, even when I go to my last resort of entertainment (TV) there is no relief.  I am just left to again, be bored out of my mind.
Watched a couple movies.
Played some video games.
Checked every website known to man.  Twice.
Still looking for things to do.
Guess I could be productive and practice guitar or something...Nah.
Been hacking up the nastiest colored gunk I've ever seen.  Not pleasant.  Not one bit.  By midday I feel alright, but in the morning and at night I feel like utter trash.
***
I had a dream the other day.  I don't remember the context of the dream, I just remember in the end of it, I had to snap someone's neck.  It was a mercy kill.  An escape for a loved one who was doomed to a much worse fate.
And even though I dreamed this, I can still recall the sound, the feel, the pop in my mind as if it actually happened.  It was a terrible feeling.  I hope I never have to experience anything even close to it in real life.
***
In institute on Tuesday night we spoke about Section 84 in the Doctrine and Covenants.  Usually we cover a couple sections a week, but this time we focused entirely on one.  It's the section about the Priesthood.  A really awesome section, worthy of study by any member of the Church.  Directly afterwards Ivan and I drove northward to give a blessing to a newly baptized member in the ward.  She is having a hard time with certain people in her life, and dealing with problems of feeling alone.  I think that just our willingness to give the blessing was a comfort to her in itself.  Hopefully our faithfulness, the missionaries prayers, and her determination for right will help to seal that blessing upon her for comfort and safety within the blessed arms of Christ.
It was neat to be able to learn about the priesthood, and then to go and act with that priesthood for the blessing of another child of God.  The Gospel is everywhere.
We had a conversation with the missionaries on Tuesday night before Institute, when we fed them, about how you can find the Gospel in absolutely anything.  And it's true!  Almost anything, when placed in the hands of one who has the Spirit, can be made into a metaphor of some key principle of the Gospel.
***
I need to buy new shoes.
I got into the trend of wearing "Chucks," despite the fact that they are completely flat-footed, offer no protection from the elements in winter, and get dirty really easily.  I am over this trend now, and want to go back to comfortable shoes that are nice to look at, nice to wear, and that are nice TO me.
It also helps that Ivan and I found a store at the Mall of America that sells really good hacky sacks.  So we both purchased one, and I hope to get back into it strongly.
***
It is time to go to bed now.  I am very tired, and as I mentioned earlier, nights aren't the best feeling times for me right now.

~Boy

Nightmare Kitchen

When was the last time you hugged someone and meant it?
Perhaps you're much different than me, and hug people only because you genuinely like them, or for some other reason.
I used to be that way.
Now, due to my friend group's frequency of hugging, or prior frequency (things have slowed down a bit), when I hug someone, it's out of repetition, habit, etc.  I haven't really been hugging people for the right reasons.
People used to tell me that they loved my hugs because they were genuine.  Because I hugged them like they really cared.  I didn't know what they were talking about at first because that's the only type of hug I gave.  Now, after much desensitization I have realized what they meant.

The last two nights I've had the opportunity to spend time with my good friend, Kyle.  It was great fun, and when the night was over I felt closer to him, and gave him sincere hugs as he left.  It felt different than my usual hugs, and I think that he could feel that difference.  It probably felt more like my hugs used to.

Signs of affection are funny.
***
You can't dig yourself out of a rut, digging only results in deeper ruts.  You must climb out of a rut.  Seek for higher ground.
And if need be, grab the hand of One who already stands on higher ground.  Then turn around and help those who were in the rut with you out.  That way you all profit together.

~Boy

The Times They Are A-Changin'

So, I live a pretty care-free lifestyle.  That's fair to say.
There is one thing I care a lot about, though.
Fat.
I don't like it all that much.
Not on me.
Not on others.
Just not a big fan.

SO...I am quite saddened by my current state of affairs.
Now, I know what you're thinking: "Spenser, you're not fat at all?  What is your deal?" or maybe, "Spenser.  This is very inconsiderate.  Fat people can't help it." or perhaps, "You go, girl!"
Meh.

At one point during my mission I was doing 300 sit-ups a day, and over 100 push-ups a day.  What the crap happened?  I wasn't even buff, then!  That was to just keep off the fat from all the freakin' steak and other amazing food that people fed us(and all the junk I got in packages from my mom).

Don't get me wrong.  I love food.  I am not a health-nut.
I love eating candy.  I love drinking soda.
I could really care less how many calories I take in in a day.  I don't count.  I don't really work that hard to be the shape I am.
I just want to get back to the point where I can work out like I could in California.
But you know what my problem is?  Of course you do.  It's the same problem as every other person in America.  I get distracted.  By television.  By the internet.  By everything that ISN'T a productive activity.  By everything that keeps me in my ultra-comfortable rocking chair in front of my computer.

When I get to Idaho, I know I will be in much better shape.  I will be active.  I will have a gym.  I will have a pool.  What more could I need?
Here, I have a floor, some pull-up straps over a door, and a computer.

This is my post to dedicate myself to working out.  To getting stronger.  To becoming who I am supposed to be.
That's all.  Blargh.

~Boy

Too Late

B'uh.  I have to get up at 8.  Why do I do this to myself?
***
So, I've gotten into a terrible habit of, right around this time of night when I'm getting ready for bed, thinking about spiritual matters, or matters of some importance in the world and thinking to myself, "oh man!  I should blog about that!!  That's a really cool thought!" but instead getting distracted or discouraged and just going to bed and completely forgetting about them.  Tonight is no different.

Except here I am, writing.
***
So, in little bullets, here are small bits of what I have thought about in the last little while.
-Every message I've heard in church and elsewhere recently has been about moving on.  Letting go of the past and looking to the future.  This only makes sense being the start of the new year, but it also has special implications for me right now at this time of my life as well.  So, I guess that I'm getting the message to move on, and I shall do so.
-Is life like a chess game or like dominoes?  How do you explain fate vs. predestination?
-Think about the "daily bread."  The things that I need help with every day of my life.  Not what I need tomorrow.  Not about what I did yesterday(see bullet point #1).  What I need today.

That's all.
***
Tonight's thought, that finally got the better of me and made me feel that I HAD to write it somewhere, is that 95% of life is timing.  Or at least it is right now.

The Lord puts you in a certain place at a certain time so that you can perform a certain action.  What happens if while in that place and time you don't perform?  You have thrown off the timing.
Luckily, most of the places and times are of little significance in the grand scheme of things.  Unfortunately, we CAN make ourselves more miserable by missing out on those chances.  Let me give you an example:

-Girl C meets Boy B, they date, and break-up
-Boy A meets Girl A, they are acquaintances
-Boy A meets Girl B, they are friends, and travel a summer together as camp counselors
-Boy A meets Girl C, Boy A is smitten.  Girl C is also, secretly, smitten. <---
-Girl A meets Boy C, Boy A is smitten.  They are friends. --->
-Boy A and Girl C become good friends. <---
-Girl A develops feelings for Boy A; They are not returned.
-Girl B develops feelings for Boy A; They are not returned.
-Girls A and B lose interest in Boy A
-Girl C travels, sees Boy B, and is smitten with Boy B, again.
-Boy A and Girl C admit feelings for one another!
-Girl C begins dating Boy B.
-Boy C proposes to Girl A.
-Boy A is alone.

Do you see where the timing was?  In case you didn't notice, I put arrows pointing to the important parts.
--Had Boy A and Girl C been open from the beginning, Boy B would have never entered the picture.
--Had Girls A and B developed feelings BEFORE Boy A met Girl C, Girl C would have never been part of the picture.
--Had Boy C not waited, he could have lost Girl A.

So...we are left with timing.
It's amazing to me how tightly the puzzles of our lives fit together.  If we try to modify one piece, try to alter one step in the process, we can mess up our entire picture.  Or we can just end up lonely for a while.
Either way, we can mess things up due to our selfishness.  That's ultimately what being shy is.  It's being selfish and prideful.  We care more about our pride than about the timing that the Lord has worked to create.
***
Well, that's all fine and dandy, but what are you gonna do about it?
Notice the moments that you are in.  Take note and take charge of your life.  You've lost too many opportunities to being prideful and shy.  It's time to change.

~Boy

Addictions

So...here I am, at 5 A.M. on Thursday morning, and I still haven't gone to sleep.  I got home from a pretty good Rock Band 3 party at Kyle's house in River Falls and decided to clean up my room because it is A MESS!  Well, was a mess.  Now it's cleaner.  Thank heavens.
It got really messed up on Monday night when Ivan spent the night and we brought in our family room TV to my room so we could have some amazing gaming opportunities!  Well, to do that, we had to shuffle some other stuff around, now leaving that stuff to go elsewhere, creating a mess.
ANYWAY, that's not the point of the story.
The point of the story is that at the same time that I started cleaning my room (and eating an orange as part of my goal to eat a fruit a day) I started watching The Biggest Loser on hulu.  In case you don't know what that is, it's a TV show about big people who compete to lose the most weight.
It really makes me want to work out.  Badly.  I really hope I'm never obese.  And luckily, hope leads to faith, faith leads to action.  Yay for true principles!
***
Speaking of goals that I've already mentioned and put down in multiple places:
I lied.  I didn't end up putting them down on my desktop in Excel like I said I was going to.  I got distracted and end up not.  But, I will do it now.  I am going to take a break from this post so that I can.
***
It's done.  They're written down now.
***
Holy cow this show is amazing!  That will never happen to me.  I don't care if the last thing I can do is starve myself, I won't ever be that big.  Ever.
Think of the stretch marks.  Jeepers.
***
I like thinking about my mission.  Those are happy memories.
Missions are amazing because despite the fact that every day you face disappointment, heartache, and upset I can only remember happiness and blessings.
AND I HAD KIDNEY STONES!!
So many rough, bad times, but yet life was still awesome!  I want to talk to my converts.  They're all awesome.
***
I forget what else I wanted to say, but life is amazing.  I am excited for school to start in April, and I'm really grateful for my friends and family.
Now on to those goals...

~Boy

Postacular!

Today was a day!  I don't know how to describe it really.  I woke up at 7:30, so that was darn early, and I worked until 4:30, so that was a lot of work.  During lunch I went to Wendy's with Ivan, but only took my lunch after I had finished updating one computer to Windows 7.  It was awesome!  I got a whole 2 done today!  Well...almost 2.  Like.... 1 and 3/4.
After work I went to Ivan's, and watched him play Fable 3 for a while before we left for FHE.
FHE was good, but we were scared that not many people were gonna show up.  It was 7'o'clock and there were like 6 people there.  By the end we had more like 20 or something.  So that was neat-o!
***
Now Ivan is at my house, spending the house, and we are Skyping with our friend Mandy, who is at BYU-Idaho, and her roommate, whoever that is.
It is fun.  Girls are giggly.  Ivan is a ladies man.  I am typing this.
***
Other than that, today wasn't really exciting or anything.  Just a lot of work and play.  Hopefully after we are done with Skype we can play video games!!  YAY!

~Boy

New Year, New You

This weekend I made a last-minute decision to travel down to Chicago with Ivan to visit Ellie, Jessie, Gloria, and Joe.  Needless to say, it was a blast!!

And Ellie has the coolest family ever.  Period.

***

While visiting, Ivan and I attended church with Ellie and her family and in Elder's Quorum we conversed about goals, seeing as how it IS the New Year.  So, while sitting there, I decided to take a couple notes on my iPod Touch on any goals that came to my mind.  Here they are:

-Physical--swim every week

*I may need to wait 'til at college for this one, or get a gym membership

-Social--Go on a date once a month

*This is much bigger for me than it may appear for the average 20-something boy.  It could downright kill me.

-Spiritual--Fast, correctly, each month

-Fiscal--Save 1000$ by year's end

-Fiscal--Don't get pulled over all year

-Physical--Eat at least one fruit every day

-Spiritual/Cultural--Study a verse from the Book of Mormon every night in Japanese

-Spiritual--Attend the temple every month

-Spiritual--Get to know my Home Teaching families better/get at least 75% home taught each month

-Spiritual--Read applicable Preach My Gospel sections every two months

***

As you can see, most of the goals are spiritual, but I have a few more temporal items spattered in there.  I would really like to work on these, and they say the best way to keep a goal is to write it down.  So here it is.  As well as in a spreadsheet on my desktop.

Wish me luck!

~Boy